That Time of Year

Well, as the title says, it's that time of year again.  Christmas.  Every time around I have to reflect on things that happened and might happen.  Often I get lost in thought for hours at a time, letting my mind wander in daydream.  Often it's the same thing every year; how old I will be, the responsibilities involved with that age, and just plain old reminiscing. 
     I'll be 18 on December 26, and starting about 2 weeks ago I felt that I didn't want to grow up.  Don't get me wrong, it will be nice to be seen as an adult, but I feel in my spirit that I will be losing something that day from within.  I guess being born in the morning can do that.  Anyway, I think I will be losing my innocence that comes with childhood, that state of mind that you can be open to ideas and trust in people easier.  The trust has been a big issue with me.  So many people have lied to me it's hard to see people in a good light, even my family. 
     But I will be frank and say that I've screwed up pretty bad myself.  Yeah I've lied to people as well, and I don't think lying is a bad thing only if you do it to protect.  Oh, I've done it for selfish reasons as well, no denying it, but who hasn't that's not human? However, it seems that when you are anonymous the truth is easier to say, don't you agree?
     All of these things tend to come to mind at this time.  Thinking about things that you normally wouldn't, as if the people you see will be that last time you see them, and those will be the last thoughts you think, the last meal, smile, hug or laugh.  You relish the good time, because somehow you know that things will be different from then on.  See, this is just my experience, nothing more.  I have always felt that there was always something left undone, but I never know what exactly.  Maybe it's because I have always been on the receiving end of things, and rarely the giver.  That is partially because I don't have a job right now, but maybe also because I had never thought to give unless I knew what they needed.  Being an introverted person, that is hard to do.  Christmas should be the time to loosen up, or at least one would think.  But people whom i usually ignore suddenly come up to me  sets me off in that distrustful mood.  That make me think you want something from me, and not just my friendship, which I do not give out lightly.  I can name only three people for whom I have given my total trust in, two of which I hold in my heart to this day.  Everyone else has yet to prove themselves. 
     So what to do?  Well, enjoy the moment, laugh, and be merry as allowed, and attempt to be cheerful.  I tend to find it hard to make the right reaction when necessary.  So may your thoughts be better then mine this holiday season and Merry Christmas.